


Something must break

by Doroleia



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Also porgs, Canon Compliant, Communication Failure, Daddy Chewbacca, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Explicit Language, F/M, Finn and Rose are a thing, Fluff and Angst, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force dragging, Friendship/Love, Happy Ending, He's also very tall, Hurt/Comfort, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren is Not Nice, Kylo is mean, Leia lives, Lightsaber Battles, No one is a virgin, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Redeemed Ben Solo, Rey is awesome, Rey's POV, Sappy Ending, Sexual Tension, Sexy lightsaber battles, Size Difference, Size Kink, Slow Burn, What is Kylo thinking?, author has no love for poe, lots of pining, shameful longing, some blood, they do hurt each other, very little though, we don't know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-16
Updated: 2018-02-16
Packaged: 2019-03-19 14:21:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 19,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13706256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doroleia/pseuds/Doroleia
Summary: She knows the scar she gave him across his pretty face continued down his chest, but she hasn't seen it like this. It keeps going down the length of his neck, tainting his breast, marring his ribs and it doesn't end until where his hipbone juts out. And accompanying it are a multitude of fresh marks. Her's aswell, she realizes. She must not have been as restrained last night as she thought.He follows her gaze down his body, probably sensing her distress.”I don't mind, Rey. I enjoyed fighting with you last night. Not as much as when we fought side by side perhaps, but I really did enjoy getting these scars.” He raises a hand and motions towards the big one, lets a finger follow it from his brow and cheek, down his side, all the way to the lining of his pants. ”This one though? Not so much...”She can't help following his finger with her eyes, letting them roam the length of his body, making her feel lewd.”I'm sorry, but that one you really deserved” she says quietly, mouth so dry she fears her voice might crack. ”And the other ones? I've got the matching set, so I'm not too filled with remorse.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so this started with the parts I had to cut from 'come what may' because they didn't fit in that story. This means it hasn't been linear writing, instead I've gone back and forth in writing this; adding new directions and building some scenes while deleting others. Basically just moving everything around a lot. I'm hoping it still reads as a coherent story, but I have kind of lost the ability to take a step back and view it from afar.  
> I have deliberately refrained from naming planets, systems, ships and other characters than the central ones. I thought that would help me keep it as simple as possible, but it only gave me more time to write more of everything else when I didn't feel the need to look through made-up star charts of a fake galaxy far, far away, while cross-referencing everything against wookiepedia.  
> I have loaned dialogue from the movies wherever I've felt it applicable, but also some from netflix Punisher-series (you'll know it when you see it).  
> And English isn't my first language. If you come across spelling or grammatical errors you are more than welcome to point them out.  
> Please leave kudos or comments if you enjoyed any of this story, happy read!

Rey wants to build her own lightsaber from what remains of Luke's. Leia tells her about the double-bladed lightsaber design and Rey knows that's why the Kyber crystal broke in half, to ensure that she can build just that. It's perfect for her.  
Finding instructions and schematics for building such a saber proves to be more tricky than anticipated though, she can't find any information on how to build laser swords. It's a good thing she's kind of a tech wizard. By looking at the broken pieces she can figure most of the principles out, but it still proves to be too much of a challenge. She just can't get the parts to fit properly, to behave the way she needs them to.

She's at it for several weeks, cursing and sweating and starting over from the beginning more times than she wants to count. When almost at the brink of giving up, banging her fists uselessly at the table, thus scattering the lose pieces everywhere, that's when he appears. 

She had thought the bond broken for ever, that last glimpse they had of each other on Crait to have been just a residual effect of Snoke's power.  
The blood drains from her face and she is chilled down to her bone at seeing him again, so close.  
She scrambles to her feet, trying to create a sense of equilibrium between them, even though the difference in their heights won't be much affected by her standing up.  
”How, is this your doing? Can you do this now?” she asks him incredulous, panicked at the thought of his power having grown to Snoke's magnitude. 

But he looks confused, taken by surprise, she realizes. Like her, but less distraught.  
”No, and I'm guessing it still isn't you doing it...” Kylo Ren furrows his brow, squinting at her like he's trying to unlock a mystery.  
”It would appear Snoke wasn't the one instigating the force connecting us after all. He must have felt it happening and, wanting to use it to his advantage, he lied about it being his design.” Kylo speaks in a low voice, more to himself than to Rey, it seems. Making it sound like this new information carries a great bit of weight for him.  
”But he wasn't the one responsible for the bond between us....” His voice grow quieter and quieter, until Rey can't hear him finish the sentence.

But it does make her relax a little.  
”Maybe he initiated it, but then it grew out of his control?” she tries to casually converse with him, desperate to bring a semblance of normality to this situation, to keep her from freaking out. 

”I think not. We would have known if someone else was involved, don't you think? This bond between us, it always felt... private, personal. Untainted.”  
He stresses the consonants in that last word, making it sound taunting and sarcastic, but in his eyes Rey can see conviction. Then his focus seems to shift, and he looks at her in a different way. Curiosity now leaking through his black eyes.  
”You are frustrated. Tell me, what ails you?”

What is that? Is he trying to deflect her unease at, once again, finding herself in this situation? Is that genuine concern she hears in his voice, worry about her well-being?  
Or is this also just a cunning ruse, him trying to lull her into a false sense of security, so she might once again be decieved into running to his side, thinking he could turn?

He takes a step towards her and she backs away, into the table behind her. The parts on it rattle. Kylo tilts his head, as if he's trying to peer behind her. But he can't, surely? The bond doesn't allow for them to see any of their surroundings?

”What's that?” he asks intrigued, establishing her ignorance of things force-related once again. ”You building something?” 

She see's it the moment realization hit his face. He still hasn't learned how to control his features, every emotion emerging in him is displayed so clearly on his face for her to see. She likes that about him. It seems like a trait all Ben and no Kylo.

”You're building a lightsaber... You're rebuilding _that_ lightsaber...” 

She can't say why or even if it's her doing, but suddenly she's alone again. The sound of her heartbeats filling her head, and her hands hurting from cresent moon-shaped cuts in her palms.

Since the last time they saw each other, Rey has managed to convince herself that what she had started to feel, when they for the first time spoke to each other in low, hushed tones, speaking words of confidence and encouragement, was just due to her being overworked, underslept, generally confused and alone.  
That she thought she could feel her heart grow softer when in the presence of Kylo Ren had just been a side effect of that bone wrenching tiredness she had felt back then.  
Them not seeing each other for this past month has let her convince herself that what she thought she felt was nothing of consequence.  
But now, standing alone and actually trembling, her breath shallow and rapid, she remembers. She remembers how he was the only one she wanted to talk to after her experience in the cave. How she knew he was the only one who would understand, could relate to her. She remembers how it felt, seeing them standing side by side in her vision when they touched hands. How her heart broke when he met her with stormtroopers and restraints after she had shipped herself to him. And how she had felt her heart mend and swell as he killed Snoke, for her. Only to break it again when he didn't choose her at the end of the battle, but had instead chosen power and the chance to rule.  
And she remembers how she, if only for the shortest of seconds, had actually concidered it. She had felt such a strong temptation to just take his hand, let him lead her to whatever future he had seen in his vision. So that she could stay with him, in any way possible.

Even after all that heartbreak she hadn't been able to just leave him there, defenceless. When she regained consciousness and found him still passed out, she had made sure he had his lightsaber safely at his side. And he _still_ tried to shoot her out of the sky when she arrived at Crait. Back then she had tried to convince herself that he was probably too preoccupied to reflect on the fact that it must have been her and Chewie piloting it. That he had just reacted on instinct, but as the weeks went by she had come to the conclusion that he no doubt did know. He just didn't care whether she lived or died. 

Him showing up like this, sounding worried about her distress, wanting her to talk to him about it? It brings back those buried feelings, letting them pick up where she thought she had left them for dead. The connection she had felt with him being brought back to life, spreading through her veins. Making her feel hope, trust, and a shameful longing.


	2. Chapter 2

It's been quiet from the First Order these past couple of weeks. The core group of the Resistance, the Council, led by Leia, might have their suspicions as to why, but that's not information to which Rey has any access. Rey seeing Kylo Ren in her work room is most likely the closest anyone has gotten to obtaining any new information about the Order since Crait. Still she doesn't tell anyone about it. What's there to tell, after all? She has no intel to share. 

She's back in the work room the next day, feeling the need for a lightsaber of her own more acutely now that she's been reminded of who she's really up against and for what she hope she might be fighting. She's fighting Kylo Ren to bring about the safe return of Ben Solo.  
She doesn't get very far though, before he once again appears. He's on the opposite side of the table this time, and when he sees her he cocks his head, almost looking amused.

”Yeah I am” Rey offers with a sigh, picking up the conversation where they left off the day before, like there hasn't been any discontinuance in their dialogue.  
”But don't worry, I'm not getting very far.”

Thousands of lightyears away, presumably, Kylo Ren pulls up a chair and sits himself down, facing her from the other side of the table, from the other side of the galaxy.  
”You're building yourself a double-bladed lightsaber, aren't you?” Kylos voice sound excited, elated. Rey can't quite get a read on him, why does it sound like this would be good news to him? But it has a disarming effect on her, fooling her in to thinking they might be confidantes, two friends sharing each others secrets.

”I am _trying_ to, but I can't seem to get anything right. It's frustrating! There are no books here and no one to ask. I thought I could figure this out on my own like everything else, but I'm just stuck.” She looks down on the rubble dejectedly.

”You've come a long way” Kylo says, almost like he's trying to encourage her.  
”But I can see you've made a poor choice of material for the hilt...” 

Hours pass, and still the two of them sit at that table, constructing a sword that could very well be what's needed to bring him down. But he is looking and acting almost exhilarated, teaching her what to do according to the blueprints he has on hand and what he remembers from building his own lightsaber. He listens attentively to her suggestions as to how that could be improved upon, swapping ideas and opinions, testing them out, some unfruitful, others better than they could have hoped for. They work jointly, in collaboration. Building her a fearful and mighty weapon. If Kylo sometimes stop to think about why she needs it and how her having it could affect him, it doesn't show. 

A banging on the door to her work room shatters their private study, she turns to the door as she hears Finn yelling ”Suppertime, Rey-bel scum!”, afraid he'll open the door and see Kylo Ren sitting there with her, but she can hear him ramble on down the hallway.  
And in any case, Kylo has vanished.

\------

She goes back after dinner, knowing how little there was left to do on the blade. A small part of her disgraced that she hopes he'll be there. A larger part just wishing for the weapon to be ready so she won't have an excuse to want to spend that much time alone with him again.

She works in to the small hours of the night, without any appearance from Kylo. When she finally looks down at the hilt and it seems like it's finished, she takes a minute to run everything through in her head. She's fairly certain she has done everything right according to the plans they laid out.  
Still, the first time she ignites it, she wants it to be outside. She's not a hundred percent confident something won't go bonkers, and she doesn't want to risk having unstoppable laser blades shooting out of both ends, slicing through the entire fortress they're living in. 

It's dark and quiet at the base as she sneaks outside to test her new weapon. She walks for a long while before she finds a bay, hidden behind a thick patch of forest, high cliffs on both sides. She wants to make sure she's well out of sight and earshot from the base, not wanting anyone to see her should she fail, and not wanting anyone to see her should she succeed.

She's nervous, excited! A feeling of elated anticipation coursing through her entire being.  
She spins the handle in and between her hands. It's much longer than a normal saber, but still not near as long as the quarter staff she's used to do battle with. She tests some forms out, trying to imagine how it will be when the blades are out. What movements won't she be able to do without taking her head off? She spars with the hilt, making sure the movements are fluid and not in any way dangerous to the continued existence of her head's attachment to her neck.

She comes to the point where she has no more excuses for stalling. It is time, time to see what she has done.  
She ignites one end, then the other. It's perfect. A smooth and unwavering blue light, a strong and steady hum, and when she whirls it around, a pitch in the hum, but still steady and clear.  
It feel's like the first time she tried Luke's lightsaber, but better. More like an extension and completion of her body.  
The forms come naturally, and all the practice she's had with the quarter-staff obliterating any dangers of her hurting herself. She dances round the clearing of the trees, down the stony beach, up the cliff walls. The blades in her total control, always stopping a breath away from the tree trunks and boulders she swings it at. She can feel the force flowing through it, in to her, connecting the blade to her and her to the forest and the cliffs around them. She's almost flying through the air. She has never felt such happiness before.

She's brought to a halt by a soft laughter. As she turns in search for the source of it, she sees Kylo Ren stepping out from the shadow of the trees.  
”You really did it” he says, the smile evident in his voice, and how impressed he is by her feat.  
”You look remarkable. It really suits you, even though I'm still convinced it'd look better if red”. The smile on his face deepens the scar on his right side, and in her overwhelmed state she takes pride in seeing it. Or maybe it's possessiveness? 

She turns it off at seeing him. Wanting to thank him, and she does.  
”Thank you, Ben. I couldn't have done it this well without your help.” She's out of breath, so her voice is slightly ragged and her mouth is dry.  
”Damn, I wish I had brought drinkingwater!” she laughs. 

He turns behind him, into the dark void where she can't see, turns back towards her and says a quick ”catch” before tossing her a water-filled canteen. She catches it one handed, the surprise not having time to catch up with her as fast. 

”Did you know you could do that?” she asks as she unscrews the lid, sniffing precariously at the content of it, making sure it's only water before drinking deep.

”I never ask that question until I've tried” he answers with a cocky grin that threatens to bring her to tears. She drains the bottle and throws it back to him, to keep busy while getting her emotions under control. She manages to surpress her memories of Han and how much the man standing in front of her resembles him. Unaware of her thoughts Kylo continues.  
”But you know you can't be entirely sure of having done an adequate job until you've tried it in a battle situation...” His voice is light, teasing. Suggesting. 

She thinks about it, they can touch through the bond, they can toss stuff at each other, they can hand tools over to the other. This ought to mean they can also hurt one another, right? That Luke couldn't be touched was due to that being an entirely different situation, he was conciously projecting himself in front of Kylo, this is something else entirely. 

”I promise to do my best not to hurt you, if that's what you're afraid of...” he says with increasingly teasing voice.

”Afraid? Of you hurting _me?_ Hah! You should be the one to cower before me” she flings back, unable to stop a smile spreading over her lips, matching him. 

He does that thing, where he stomps his foot down as he ignites his cross guard saber, the red glow warm on his features as he says in a low and defiant voice ”Yeah? Then make me.”

She roars as she lunges herself at him, igniting both blades as she dives in to the fight.

\------

They're even less evenly matched now, her with this weapon built so precisely for her, increasing her strengths and obliterating her weaknesses. Kylo can't do much but go defencive, but still he manages to get a few blows in. His muscular advantages almost throwing her off balance at times, giving him chance to advance. Though it may look like a ruthless fight to an outside observer, Rey can feel the restraints and the control they are both struggling to uphold. They are both holding back, if only a little.  
Whenever one of them manages to grace the other with their blade; sometimes just singeing their clothing but sometimes enough to sear the skin underneath, they don't take advantage of it. The same goes for when they manage to land a blow or a kick on the other. Instead they take a step back to let the other compose themself, before continuing the fight. 

When she has him backed up against the cliff wall with nowhere to retreat, she crowns herself victorious. 

”Surrender!” she pants, every muscle in her body filled with lactic acid and hurting. The look in his eyes isn't one of grudging defeat, or even annoyance. He looks happy. Thrilled. It makes her smile. 

”Never” he answers, voice too strained from exertion and too filled with laughter to make it seem threatening.

They both retract their sabers and Rey backs away from Kylo.  
”Kinda wishing I hadn't drunk all your water right about now” Rey says as she turns away from him, walking back up to the forest edge and the clearing infront of it. When he doesn't answer she turns to look at him, but he's gone.

All around her she can see the remnants of their sparring session: broken and cut-in-half trees, mangled-up boulders and scattered stones. Even big chunks of the cliff has been cut out. Scorch marks on every surface around her, not just at eye-level, but way up high on the trees and the walls. The state of her surroundings fills her heart with warmth, no shame or dread in sight.


	3. Chapter 3

The next day she has to explain away all her cuts and bruises to a worried Finn and Rose and an amused Poe. They want to see it, the finally finished lightsaber, so she takes them outside after breakfast. Not to the bay from last night, that would be too hard to explain away. They are all pretty impressed with how she could go from the frustrated screams and complaints of ”I'm never gonna make it it's too frikking hard without any guidelines!” to this, the perfect and flawless finished product.  
”I had the force to guide me..?” she tries, and Finn looks entirely convinced, like all his suspicions about the Ways of the Force are proven right by her saying that. Rose and Poe not so much, but who are they to question her force-abilities?

”Too bad the force couldn't teach you how to not make such a mess of yourself”, Poe says, smiling as he touches the scorchmarks on her vest and the burns and bruises on her exposed shoulders and neck.  
His eyes are uncomfortably intent on her, his touch a little too lingering. She laughs and shrugs him off.

\------

That night Kylo comes to her when she's already in bed. Appearing in her room, looking like he's also dressed for the night in only loose, black pajama pants, toothpaste smeared on his chin.  
Rey sleeps naked. She never could while living in that old AT-AT at Jakku. She barely changed clothes back then, just wore them till they fell apart and then she got replacements. Now that she can shower daily and revel in the luxury that is clean clothes during the day and the feeling of freedom and security that comes from being able to sleep naked behind a closed and locked door at night, of course she does. This is the first time that has constituted a problem for her. 

”Oh, sorry for this...” he says, sounding a bit embarrassed and unsure at seeing her sitting up quickly in her bed, clutching the quilt around her to cover her body. 

”No, of course not, it's not your fault, _I'm_ sorry” she starts to make excuses for him and at the same time trying to excuse herself. She gets lost in it and falters when she sees his torso though. She knows the scar she gave him across his pretty face continued down his chest, but she hasn't seen it like this. It keeps going down the length of his neck, tainting his breast, marring his ribs and it doesn't end until where his hipbone juts out. And accompanying it are a multitude of fresh marks. Her's aswell, she realizes. She must not have been as restrained last night as she thought.

He follows her gaze down his body, probably sensing her distress.  
”I don't mind, Rey. I enjoyed fighting with you last night. Not as much as when we fought side by side perhaps, but I really did enjoy getting these scars.” He raises a hand and motions towards the big one, lets a finger follow it from his brow and cheek, down his side, all the way to the lining of his pants. ”This one though? Not so much...” 

She can't help following his finger with her eyes, letting them roam the length of his body, making her feel lewd. 

”I'm sorry, but that one you really deserved” she says quietly, mouth so dry she fears her voice might crack. ”And the other ones? I've got the matching set, so I'm not too filled with remorse.” She smiles tentativley up at him, not sure if her mentioning that first fight they had in the snow at Starkiller Base will bring up all the animosity that once lay between them. They really fought for life or death back then. Either one of them could have killed the other, and never known what a mistake that would have been. How much they would come to need each other.  
Rey ain't sure where these thoughts are coming from, they are much more in-depth than she has ever given herself permission to go.  
To keep her from following that train of thougt to a place she's not ready to go, she gets out of bed. Still with the quilt clutched around her body, she advances on him. He looks cautious, frozen. Unsure of how things took this turn, and not yet decided on how to feel about this new development.  
Rey reaches up, and with her thumb she rubs off the toothpaste. The air is still, both of them seem to have problems drawing breath. Her hand lingers, the thumb resting against the edge of his lower lip. They stand like this, perfectly still, for several heartbeats. Neither one of them sure of what's to happen next, how to proceed. Why they ended up like this. Then in the corner of her eyes she can see his arms starting to lift, ever so slowly. His hands moving upwards, towards her body, maybe even her head, and at the same time his face is bending down, towards her. The air is so thick she don't think she could draw a breath even if she remembered how to do it, and then in the next heartbeat, he is gone. Her right hand lifted, resting uselessly against open air. She sucks it all down her lungs and a couple of seconds later she shuffles back to bed, her head a jumbled mess of confusion.

\------

She's distant and unfocused all through the next day, her friends remarking on it. She tells them she slept bad and that she's just tired. But she's not, she feels wide awake and her head buzzes with a million thoughts.  
When she touched his face last night, she once again had that vision. The two of them, side by side. She can't help but think that this might mean there is still hope, still a chance of turning him away from the dark side. If she were to go to him, maybe she could reason with him? She needs another chance to see him again, to touch him, to have another vision that can make it all clear.  
She excuses herself after dinner, claiming a headache and goes to lock herself in her room. There she sits on her bed, fully dressed, and waits for him.

This time he's not in the same state of undress as last night, but still not in his usual heavy attire. A black tank top and the same black leather pants that seem to be the only pair of pants he has (not counting pajama bottoms). The cuts and bruises on his arms and chest have already started to heal and fade. The First Order must have superior med droids, she still looks the same as yesterday, only slightly more purple. 

”Is this to be a regular thing, now?” He sounds amused by the prospect, not at all inconvenienced. ”Should I expect you to show up in my bedroom every night?” 

Rey hadn't thought about that, him appearing in her bedroom is due to the fact that that's the only room she has, but he must have an apartment of sorts, wherever he is. For him it must be an intrusion into some sort of private sanctuary. Not ever having had a separate room designated only for sleeping, she's not quite sure of the implications he seems to be alluding at. 

”Maybe the force will keep connecting us like this until we figure out why it's doing it?” she suggests, the tiniest note of nervousness creeping into her voice.

He looks intrigued. Slowly he stalks toward her bed, giving her time to get up off of it, should she choose, or to stop him in his tracks by saying something. She doesn't, instead she scoots over to the side, making room for him to sit down on the bed without them having to sit close enough to touch.  
They sit, side by side but separated by a few inches, heads turned forward, not daring to look at each other.  
Once the most acute feeling of tension between them has lifted, she finds the courage to voice what's on her mind.

”I had that vision again, last night. When I touched your cheek?” She suspects she doesn't need to remind him of what part of last night she's referring to. She turns her head to look at him, only to find him already staring intently at her. She swallows before barging on.  
”I saw us, together Ben. Side by side in peace. There is still a chance for you! Please, leave the Order.” She wants to add _for me_ but that would probably be going a bit too far. But in her vision they had been together, not only as allies, but quite certainly as lovers too. Embarrassed she starts to suspect that that part is as big an incentive to her as ending the war is.  
She places her left hand on the bed cover, palm up. An invitation for him to take her hand, and to make sure he gets it she looks down at her hand, then at his hand and then back up to his face.  
”I think you're seeing that same thing, Ben.”

She expects him to either refuse or to take her hand, but instead he swiftly moves both of his hands up to cradle her face. His thumbs on either side of her mouth, his fingers brushing against her ears. Locking his eyes on hers he tells her in a low voice:  
”I see it too Rey, you by my side. Ruling with me, a New Order.” As he tells her this she gets what must be his version of the vision shoved into her mind. Her dressed in black, both their sabers glowing red, the hand not holding a saber is holding the other's hand. The power radiating from them both is intoxicating, almost enough to tempt her to go with him, wherever he wants her to. It takes a gargantuan effort of her will-power to shut his vision out, but before she has a chance to show him hers, he's gone. 

\------ 

The next night she waits for him, but he doesn't show.  
The night after, still no visit.  
When he doesn't come the third night either, she goes back to sleeping in the nude.


	4. Chapter 4

A week passes, and then she wakes in the middle of the night to Ben, softly snoring in his black pajama bottoms, on top of her quilt. He is curled up on his side, his back turned to her. In her sleepy state it takes a while to process, but then she does the only thing that seems reasonable to her, and curls up around him, hugging her arm around his torso, pulling him tight against her chest. She feels him tense up and the snoring stops, but without him turning around he seems to figure out what's going on, because he relaxes again. Then his hand finds hers and he trails his fingers in between hers. Then they both fall back to sleep.

It doesn't happen every night after that, but never more than three nights passes without them spending some time of the evening, or all night, in each others company.  
They don't talk about the visions, instead they talk about lightsaber construction, the differences between growing up on Chandrila and Jakku, what the best way to skin a hutt would be, and sometimes they just play silly, childish games.   
Some nights Rey is too tired and fed up with the, seemingly hopeless, situation at her base camp to have any energy left for talking. Some nights it's evident that Kylo is too upset and aggravated about something to endure any kind of conversation. Those nights they just curl up in bed, Rey always holding Ben. The quilt always acting as a barrier between them. 

Until the one night when it doesn't. She started sleeping in panties and a tanktop a while ago, Kylo still in pajama pants. It was more often than not rather late when they went to bed, both trying to delay that part out of a silent fear the bond might break if they moved around too much. As Rey creeps down under the quilt she's suddenly so aware that he might dissapear any second now, so it hardly matters what she does, so she lifts the blanket up, inviting him to come lie under it. Inviting him to come close enough that their skin might touch.  
He hesitates for only a fraction of a second, then he joins her. And so they are both under the same quilt, for once laying face to face. Rey's hand on the mattress, half way between their faces. Ben's hand slowly making it's way up, to land on top of her hand. Fingers interlaced, they can't take their eyes off one another. The tension so high Rey's sure she can't be the only one having to exercise an extraordinary amount of willpower to not launch herself at him. Eventually they fall asleep, and when she wakes the next morning she gets a few, precious seconds of being draped over Ben's chest, his arms cradling her tight against himself, before he dissapears.

From then on they both sleep under the blankets. Rey almost always holding Ben, his back against her front. Rey's bare arms getting to touch Ben's bare chest and stomach. A few times it's the other way around, Rey being held by Ben as they sleep. Those nights she usually wakes up during the night with his giant hand over her belly, pushed up under her top. It feels like a soft and warm paradise. 

Then one evening something different happens. She can suddenly see some of his surroundings, enough to discern where he is, and that he's close.   
She gets the feeling he is letting her see more than they normally can see through the bond, and it feels like both an invitation and a warning. He doesn't comment on it, and it's one of those short force-visits, with not enough time for her to ask him about it.  
But as soon as she knows where she can find him, she knows she has to go to him. To try and talk to him in real life, because maybe then it will be easier to convince him of siding with her. These past couple of months have, not made her certain exactly, but she dares to entertain the hope at least, that he feels for her what she feels for him. Not just a lust for the power they would come into if combining their forces, but a camaraderie. A familiarity. A belonging.   
If they were to stand, face to face in the same room, without the possibility of the bond breaking them up, maybe she would dare ask him. Beg him to leave it all behind in favour of her. 

As per usual she begs the assistance of Chewie. Could he please help her? Get her off the base and send her on her way to the cruiser Ben Solo is currently on?   
Chewbacca still remembers the boy he spent over a decade with, learning to fly and repair ships when Han would leave for weeks on end after fights with Leia. He remembers the boy who played with his own children back at Kashyyyk during holidays. He remembers watching Kylo Ren drive his saber through Han, and him still not being able to aim for his heart. He trusts Rey when she says she think she can reach Ben, he still holds on to all the hope he has for Ben's return. Even though he's had to keep quiet about it in the company of both Han and Leia.  
So of course he will repeat the lightspeed drop-off from the last time he shipped her off to him. Just like Rey, he won't give up on Ben Solo.

\------

She has no trouble finding her way to the deserted hangar he shows her through the bond, and from there it's an easy and stormtrooper-free walk to the door she can feel him behind, waiting for her.

Is this Kylo Ren's version of the red room? Not as garish as Snoke's, but still imposing. It's barren, clean. Dark grey and steel, holograms that show the galaxy and the systems, seethrough plastic monitors that lets him know where his fleet is deployed and where his enemies awaits him.   
There is no throne to sit in, he won't force any guest to remain standing, looking up at him in reverence from a lowered position. Instead there's chairs around a table. 

He's waiting for her, standing in his usual black garments, tall and imposing, broad and huge. He has that stance, where his feet are far apart and his hands are on his back, and the back is turned towards her. It's so familiar, but still unnerving. She wants to see his eyes, the face that never could hide any emotions from her. For all his efforts to become this larger than life symbol of the darkness, he still has a face as open as any book. Every thought plainly visible in the myriad of tiny movements his face displays.   
She knows the little trembles of the corners of his lower lip: when those starts to twitch she know's he's trying his hardest to not show desperate fear, unknowing that his trying to hide it makes it as clear as if he hadn't bothered.   
When he furrows his brows and keeps his eyes downcast, he's upset, unhappy with recent developments. Trying to figure out how to change the course of things to his liking.  
And when he's pressing his teeth together, the muscles in his jaw flexing, unwilling to tear his eyes from her, she knows he remembers everything they've shared. Trying to keep her from seeing to what extent she really affects him.

”You called?” She tries for humour. Because, why not. She's so nervous she won't be able to hide it in any case. It has the desired effect at least, he turns and on his lips is that tiny, almost undetectable, smile. She dares to move forward, wanting to close the distance to make this seem like just another one of their normal evenings, spent together in casual company. It's a big difference, though. He's in his Knights of Ren-outfit, complete with gloves and all. And standing in this room he looks like all Kylo and no Ben. The smile dissapear the moment he notice her noticing it.

He closes the distance between them, walking with long strides, until he is standing, looming over her. Close enough to be able to lift his hands and place them on either side of her face. His still leather-clad hands are cold on her flustered cheeks.   
”And you came, Rey.” 

Both the look in his eyes and the tone of his voice gives her the impression that this means something all together different to him than it does to her.

”I will never give up on you, Ben. As long as I can sense the conflict in you, I will come when you ask me. I still am conviced you will turn, you will come back with me one day.”  
Her eyes are so wide, as full of conviction as her voice is. She tries to see into his soul, the core where he connects with the force, but he has shielded himself off from her. Or if it's those leather gloves that affects the connection between their minds.

He looks intently down on her, searching for her core as she for his.  
”And I will use that to my advantage. You thinking I can be turned is what will make you join me, join the dark.” he talks in a low and measured voice, hoarse and warm on her face.  
She is so preoccupied with feeling ill at ease from his words, feeling taken advantage of, that she fails to notice how he leans in to kiss her. She doesn't have the time to stop it before it happens, before his full, soft but dry lips are pressed against hers.

She won't deny that her thoughts have gone down that path more than once, of them becoming lovers. But that has always been dependent on his joining the light side. And in all those fantasies she has been an active part in them taking that first and final step. Him kissing her without her consent feels like a violation of trust. It feels like being kissed by Kylo Ren when she really wants Ben.  
So she does what she always do, and react on instinct, with fury. She uses the force to push him away from her. And as she really is strong with the force, he is thrown several feet backwards, into the large and heavy table. 

He quickly scrambles up to his feet again, looking like murder. Both his clothes and hair in disarray, he's standing in a crouched position, hand hovering over his lightsaber.

”That's not why I came, Ben! Not to fight you but definitely not to kiss you either!” She feels the shame rising up her cheeks, because she sure as hell came, in just the tiniest part, because there might be a chance of her getting to breach the distance and feel his lips against hers.   
But not the other way around, she needs to control it when and if it happens. 

He straightens up, his eyes going from murder to danger as his hand stops twiching towards his lightsaber.  
”Isn't it though, Rey? Don't you think I haven't felt it all those nights, your hand slowly creeping all over my chest? Your lips, almost but not quite, touching my back? Your want heavy all around us?”

Yeah, of course she must have realized he would take notice of that. It's hard to deny her actions now, even though she really wants to. His voice is cold and mean, and he's making her feel stupid and debased. As if it was only her want that was heavy all around them, and nothing from him. Wasn't there? Did she imagine the tension, or was it just one-sided?Did he try to kiss her just now because he thinks that's what it will take to get her to turn? That he can lure her in with the promise of his body? And that all he wants from her is the power she can bring him.  
She feels sick. Sick and cheated and ashamed of herself.   
”Go to hell, Ben” she manages to get out, while keeping the tears inside.

”Oh, but see that's your mistake. I'm not Ben, he's long gone. All that's left now is Kylo Ren.” He sounds venomous and pleased with himself. But at least it's making her more mad by the second.

”Yeah I should have realized. The Ben I've seen in Leia and Chewie's minds would be ashamed of you.” She hopes the mention of his family will bring him pain, so she won't be the only one hurting from this meeting.

It doesn't seem to work though, as he answers her in the same, cold voice:  
”But I have neither the inclination nor the capacity to feel shame.” 

If she stays she'll break down and cry, become a sobbing mess of a girl in this throne room, where she lost all hope and the last of her innocence. She needs to leave and lick her wounds. So she turns and run out of his room, and hopefully out of his life for good.   
That he lets her go without chasing her down himself or having her captured isn't something she reflects on until much later.

When back on the Falcon with Chewie, she lets herself go, once alone. Chewbacca stays in the cock pit, mindful of the tumult inside her and the crushed and defeated look on her face.   
She cries till her face is pruny from all the tears, till her throat is raw with all the sobbing and held-in screams. They have spent so much time together, she really felt a closeness to him? That they were friends, that they understood each other. That they shared the feelings of attraction she felt all around them. Was that all trickery from his side? Meant to draw her in, weaken her resolve and her resistance to the dark side? Was all he ever wanted from her her powerful forceabilities?

For all his thoughtful consideration of her need for solitude, Chewie won't let her cry alone forever. He finds her huddled up in a ball of self-pity, on the cold metal floor under the Dejarik table. When he gathers her up in his long, strong and fur covered arms and cradles her to him, like how she assumes other children were by their parents, she starts crying again. Chewie sits down on the bench, Rey still enclosed in his warm embrace, and together they cry. Even though she hasn't told him of what transpired during their meeting, he understands all too well that it didn't go as either of them hoped.   
That maybe Ben lost his last chance, that maybe they have really lost him to Kylo for good.

Once back at the rebel base they are both all cried out. When asked where they've been and why they didn't tell anyone of their plans to leave, they tell the invented story of Chewbacca having urgent family business and that he needed Rey to co-pilot and that there was no time to lose on alerting the base of their departure.   
The fact that neither one of them had thought about the possibility of Rey not being able to return because of her being decieved by Kylo Ren seems like an impressively idiotic mistake now. Such foolish hopes they both entertained.


	5. Chapter 5

Life at the base goes back to a semi-normal state. Rey being subdued and way more quiet than usual. Dreading going to bed each night, staying up as late as possible. Sometimes falling asleep over a table in a work room, on a couch in a common room or while working on repairing a ship.

Her friends can tell something is gnawing away at her, but every time they ask she shuts down and just leaves. So they stop asking. Instead they offer her to share their beds. Whenever one of them has found her falling asleep in a weird place more than one night in a row, they take her back with them to their own rooms. At least three nights a week she spends in a bed with either Finn, Rose or Poe. They all notice that while she sleeps just fine as long as there's no touching or she's the one being held, whenever it's the other way around, with her holding someone close to her chest, that's when she wakes up with a start. As if waking from a nightmare she pushes them away from her, frantic until they can convince her it's just Finn, or Rose, or Poe.

\------

A month passes, then two. And she starts to look better. She goes to sleep in her own room of her own accord. She eats and she sometimes even laughs. Still her friends don't dare to ask her what happened and not one of them can understand Chewie enough that it would be any point in asking him about it. But she does spend more time than usual in his company. 

Three standard months passes before the bond connects them again.  
She sits in the cock pit of an X-wing, trying to figure out why the navigation system isn't working as it should, when the control panel blacks out and she's left staring at the profile of Kylo Ren, sitting down as well but at a table. The table she threw him into, to be exact. When he looks over at her she's thrown by how worn he looks. Deep, purplish circles under his eyes, his cheeks are sunken and there's a stubble on his usually so well-shaved face.  
They just stare at each other for a long minute, in pressing silence. Then she's back in the X-wing, shaking and with teary eyes.  
She has managed to convince herself these past three months that she hates him. That Ben is well and truly gone and that all that's left is the monster. But what she just saw wasn't the face of a monster, it was the face of a scared and grief-struck man. The face of someone that hasn't been able to eat nor sleep properly for the past three months.  
The same face she had just a couple of weeks ago.

She'd like to talk to Chewie about this, about what she saw and what she think she saw. But on the other hand she doesn't want to drag him down again, down into that pit of fruitless hope for a cure for both their broken hearts. So she stays in the X-wing until she realizes it's too late, and that she needs to go to bed. And once in her room he appears again.

He still looks like a man beaten down. Hair dishevelled and clothes unkempt, he fidgets with his hands when he sees her. Removes his gloves, throws them behind him, into the black void where she can't see. Runs a huge hand through his hair to get it out of his face.

”Please leave” Rey offers up in a flat voice, she can hear the brokenness in it, all the hurt she thought put behind her smacked right back up in her face. 

”I was wrong. Please, hear me out Rey. I have hardly been able to use the force at all since you left that day. I know I made the wrong assumptions, that this has been my punishment. The force has shown me how stupid I was, how wrong I was. And just please, let me try and make this right.” His words come in a rapid stream, like he's afraid the bond will break them apart before he can get it all out. Afraid she'll just leave the room if the bond doesn't break and not know how ardently he means this.

”No, Kylo. You showed _me_ that day, how stupid _I_ had been. Foolish to trust you, to fall for you. For your lies, I mean.” She doesn't want to give him the leverage of knowing just how deeply she did fall, so she tries to save face by making it seem as she only fell for the lies, and not for him. But the pain that distorts his face when he hears her call him 'Kylo' looks like it could have made it impossible for him to process that last bit any way. The last she sees of him before he dissapears is him clutching at his jacket, like he's trying to hold on to anything, to keep from crumbling.

\------

She's on her way to breakfast the next morning when she stops in her track, feeling the familiar sense of beeing submerged in water: all senses dulled.  
Kylo is preoccupied with something, someone, that she can't quite make out, but the air he's giving out is so filled with angst and remorse and worry, that she actually starts to walk towards him, without her conciously giving her body consent to move.

He looks even more harrowed than last night, distressed and worried and fretful all at once. He looks up at her, noticing her presence, but then he turns back to what he was doing just before. She hears him talking to someone else, sees him pointing at a holomap and in doing so, she can also see it. She recognizes the system they're looking at, because it's the system the rebels have their, apparently not so secret, base at. She hears the someone out of sight saying words like 'attack', 'obliterate' and 'take no prisoners'.  
She hears Kylo asking about timeline, when and how many, and as she hears the answer, Kylo turns to look at her with pleading eyes. He's letting her know. Giving her a chance to escape, to warn the rebels. He's risking the First Orders plans, for her. Their chance at finally ending this, to once and for all win the war. He's willing to endanger that.

Unless this too is a ruse, of course. She can't be sure, she can't be dumb enough to trust him like that again. But she can see the fright in his eyes, and him mouthing the word 'please' to her, before the connection is broken.  
She starts to run to the general's office.

\------

The whole base is in turmoil. They have a semblance of a timeline, for once, and can plan somewhat accordingly. They dare to take the time needed to salvage as much as possible of weaponry and transports. They have the time to decide where they're going before leaving, they have the time to construct a plan.

Amidst all the chaos, the bond connects them once again. She finds it hard to believe that he could miss it, considering how poignantly she's always felt it, but on the other hand he is decidedly preoccupied.  
Kylo Ren, General Hux and a third party she can't see are in, what must surely be, the climax of a shouting match. She can't make out what anyone is saying since they're all screaming over one another, but it seems as if Kylo is trying to opt for caution while Hux is more of a 'attack first, think later'-strategist. The third person seems to be pushing, very vocally, for something inbetween the other two.  
So there might actually be a chance of him not noticing the force linking them, he could just as easily be attributing the ringing in his ears to the shouting match having rendered him temporarily deafened.  
But she sees his surroundings, she sees where the ship he's on is deployed. She knows where to find him.  
The last time they met she told him that she would always come to his side, given that she sensed some conflict in him. And she thinks she does, now. Why else would he look like he does? Why else would he have shown her, warned her?  
Maybe him giving her the chance to save the Alliance means something more. Something hopeful.  
And maybe it means he lied when he said all those hurtful things.

Rey recognizes the way her mind is bending itself over backwards, she's done it often enough by now. It has never ended well for her, putting her trust in Ben Solo, but still she can't stop herself from thinking there might still be a chance. A chance for Ben to turn, to come home. Or maybe she just wants a chance to get an apology from him, for acting like such an asshole. 

Neither her friends nor the rest of the rebel fighters take kindly to Rey saying she'll have to leave. They want Rey there, of course they do. She's one of the best pilots and combat fighters they have, plus with her force sensitivities she'll always be an enormous asset in any fight. Her leaving the rebels when they need her the most feels like a betrayal and a foreshadowing of defeat.  
But still, she makes a compelling case to them, saying that she truly believes she has the chance to turn him. To talk sense into him. Stop the attack before it begins and bring him home to Leia. (That last reason is void though, Leia will never be able to forgive her son for murdering Han, and in a way, Luke. And also the countless others, children and civilians alike. _He doesn't discriminate, my son, so there's that at least_ she said to Rey one time, trying to lighten a mood darker than the hole in her heart Ben left when he became Kylo Ren.)

She leaves, this time without the aid of Chewbacca. Kylo's close enough she won't need a long-distance vessel, and she doesn't want to drag Chewie down that slope of foolhardy wishful thinking she feels herself willingly rushing down. Her journey doesn't take long, but she has time enough on her hands that she can allow herself to think back to all the times they've spent together. Compairing her memories of them with the repulsive words he spoke. Could it really be true? Did he never want her for anything but her power? Was he using her and taking advantage of her longing for a family?  
Somewhere in the back of her mind she remembers Kylo's skin raising with goose bumps where her hands touched him. She remembers hearing his breath becoming more ragged and heavy with each not-a-kiss-but-almost she never planted on his skin. The sensations they have shared, each night they spent together, every single time they have touched. When they fought side by side or against each other, but still in companionship. How neither one of them wanted those nights spent together to end.

\------

This time, though different from the last with her not being expected, she still finds the hangar bay used last time unattended.  
Once landed the next trial is locating Kylo Ren without alerting him to her presence. She wants to get to him when he is alone, and without him having a chance to call for back-up, should he have lured her here. And as long as no one is there to observe them she think's she might have a slightly larger chance to reason with him, or at least make him waver in his decision. Make him falter just long enough for her to get through, get to Ben. That takes the operations room she knows how to find off the table. 

She locates a schematic of the ship, finds the places on it that seems the most likely to house a Supreme Leader, a young man with delusions of grandeur. She starts to seek them out, methodically. To find the door behind which he dwells.  
Reaching out with the force for as short a moment as possible to try to avoid running into anyone, she sneaks onwards, silent, unseen.

The first door she finds is the right one. She knows he's in there, she senses him without trying. A vivid spike in the force, clearly signalling the prescence of him. As she conciders her options of how to get the door to open, it slides up. Inside is quiet darkness, a stillness so total it can't be anything but a trap. Still Rey silently slides in, lets the darkness envelope her.  
Behind her the door glides shut.


	6. Chapter 6

The light flickers on, a cold and silver sheen from high above. They stand facing each other in silence, much like the last time she came to see him at his turf. Another room but still huge and imposing. Giant glass windows looking out at the empty vastness of space. Making her feel litte, insignificant. Like nothing.

Of course he felt her. That she didn't realize she was being guided to his quarters feels like a confirmation of all of her fears. She walked right into yet another one of his traps, willingly, at that.

His face is stone, his stance is rigid. The dark circles under his eyes even more pronounced now. He doesn't flinch, doesn't falter.   
His voice is light but scathing as he says  
”Have you defected, Rey? Have you come to join me, my cause?” 

”You know I'm not. I'm here because I still believe there's light in you, because of what you showed me.”  
Remembering how he looked when she called him Kylo, she reverts to calling him Ben.  
”Ben... it's not too late. You can stop all this, you can end the war and the fighting. You can bring peace to the galaxy.”

”Peace is an illusion. Someone needs to control the systems or they will undoubtedly turn on each other. If it's not I and the First Order forcing the galaxy into submission, there would be millions of wars fought throughout every inhabited planet in every system.”

”But order through terror, Ben? Why is what you do any less despicable than leaving every system to keep their own peace, or disorder if that's what they choose?”

”Because it won't stop there. The chaos will spread from system to system. Someone will always fight for the ultimate power. To be the one to rule all else.”

”So rule with compassion, then! Stop kidnapping children and turn them into slaves in your army! Stop enslaving people period! Keep the galaxy safe, thriving! Only interfere when absolutely necessary, to stop genocide or planetary destruction!”

Kylo see's her passion, her love of all living things. He knows her compassion because he can feel it coming off her in waves, but he does not want to understand it.   
”You don't know the worlds like I do. You don't know the lifeforms populating this galaxy. They will not give in, lay down their arms. What I do I do to protect us all from a greater evil.”

She can't believe he truly thinks that. That he has fallen for his own lies. There's no response to so blatant a lie. Of course he isn't forcing the galaxy into submission for the good of all living things. That's a preposterous claim. So she sighs and just starts over.  
”Please Ben, leave now, with me. Let's go back to your mother...” Rey is almost glad he interrupts her, she has no idea where she was going with that. _Come beg forgiveness for killing your father? Let's go back to your mother and a thousand rebel fighters who wants to rip your spine out of your mouth?_

”Don't call me that! That boy is long dead!” The anger flares up but he manages it, he wants her to see reason, so it seems he'll try his best to seem reasonable.  
”I'll ask _you_ again, come join me. Not as my apprentice, not like a child, but as my equal. Together, we can rule the galaxy! We can find the middle ground, I could learn to make compromises.” Kylo tries to make her see, he wants to shove what he sees into her mind. What power they could wield together. 

But Rey keeps her mind closed, the bond between them silent.   
”But why? Why would you, I or _anyone_ for that matter, want to rule an entire fucking galaxy? What are the upsides, what have you to gain from that? I don't understand, Ben!”

”Then let me in and I'll show you! I can show you a power that will end all your questioning, all your searching! A power so complete, so absolute, you will want for nothing, ever again!”   
She can see him slipping into that spitting rage she know he despises in Hux, a sort of blind and ignorant wrath that he feels is beneath him. ”Why can't you just _YIELD?!_ ”

She feels drained, suddenly. All his talk of power, of 'wanting for nothing', they really don't have any common ground, do they? So she asks him with a quiet sadness  
”And what if all I want is to be a part of a caring family? To live my life in peace, doing good?”

Her question seems to drain the last of his rage from him aswell.  
”Then I don't see the point of us ever meeting. The point of me killing Snoke in order to save your life. The point of you even beeing born only to be left behind. Needed by none. Belonging nowhere.”

Rey knows that's not the truth. She _is_ wanted, she _is_ appreciated. She has friends and a family, of sorts. She has two brothers in Finn and Poe, a sister in Rose and a hero that never dissapoints in Leia. She has gained so much, but Ben has lost even more. _It wasn't supposed to go like this, to hell so quickly,_ still she always knew it would. Her childish and far-fetched hopes had no chance against the harsh reality that is years of training under Snoke. Years of having every last bit of compassion crushed and obliterated from him.  
The tension builds in the atmosphere around them, something must break, soon.

"You _do_ know why we met. When we fought, side by side, in the red room? I have never felt anything like that, ever. So strong a belonging, like we were kindred spirits? A feeling of finally being in the right place, at the right time, with... the right person. Of everything just falling in to place..." she concludes feebly, sounding beaten down. No control over her feellings left, she fears she might start crying any second now.  
Because suddenly she is certain of the outcome of this meeting. That it will be their final meeting.  
In Rey's mind the only remaining thought is that of _'I was alone in the red room, all those nights spent together, that feeling was never mutual. We shared nothing. I truly am alone.'_

"Ben..." her voice so small, but on the inside she is screaming, _'Why can't I just give up!?'_  
"Don't tell me you didn't feel it, that you didn't see a different future, one where we..."  
But she doesn't get the chance to finish.

"Where we what, Rey?!" he screams in her face, spit flying like venomous daggers at her.  
"A future where we walk side by side, holding hands?? Where our love heals the galaxy?? How can you be so pathetic and naive??"  
The look in his black eyes threatens fire, the burning in his voice promising new scars on her skin, his stance showing a hate so desperate and all-consuming it should frighten her, make her cower.  
Instead it makes it easier for her, to not see anything of Ben when she looks at Kylo. To harden herself enough, to defend herself from his ridicule.

"I never said anything about love". And she never has, but she knows full well why he said it. He must have felt her feelings for him, the compassion she has in her heart for him. And he uses it against her, just like she feared he would.

"Your ache for love is written on your face, Rey with no last name. Your whole life has been an ineffectual search for it. Unloved by your parents, left behind and abandoned, worthless to the world. Wanted by none." 

"But you wanted me." Her retaliation comes without missing a beat, like it's something that's always at the forefront of her mind.

"I did, didn't I?” His voice is dangerously low now, almost making her miss the screaming. ”Congratulations, you've found the one thing I can feel shame for."  
It seems that decides it for him, that he's had it. No more. The time for talking this through has come to an end.  
He moves for his light saber, she does aswell.

"This will not end the way you think" she whispers.  
"No matter, one of us must perish" he answers with a low voice, more felt than heard.


	7. Chapter 7

Their sabers clash together, sparks fly, the air filled with the noice of battle and the smell of burning electricity.  
Neither one of them fights honorably. They use all the dirty secrets they've learned from the other, shoving memories best left forgotten and repressed up in the others consciousness. Rey brings up the memory of him killing his father, killing Snoke, killing the young padawans at the temple. Forcing Kylo to remember all the lives he's taken, all the deceit and dissapointment his life has amassed to.  
Kylo digs up the memory of Rey being sold by her parents, of the abuse she suffered under the hands of Unkar Plutt, all the lonely years she spent on Jakku.

They think they will break the other but all they do is fuel their hatred for one another. Bringing them closer to the brink.

They're so evenly matched this fight could go on forever. To keep the bond between them open, just to try to unbalance the other with just the right memory, means they can read each others fighting technique, anticipate the other's moves. It's not worth it they realize simultaneously.  
By shutting the other out the fight becomes less predictable. Rey can surprise him with one of her kicks-in-the-stomach and Kylo can manage to get in a couple of seconds worth of force choking. They don't think of the next move, there is no planning involved. They act on knee jerk-responses alone, hardly conscious of what their bodies are doing. Just becoming one with the fight. Living for it, dying for it.

When the world stills and what almost constitutes a quiet moment appears, they find themselves locked in a stalemate. The tiniest flick of a wrist, another breath, that's all it would take now, for either one of them to end the other's life. Eyes burning holes in eyes, they're falling down, tumbling into each other.  
The effort to keep the other from ending it all and the effort it takes to keep pushing through, fighting for leverage and that final fucking win, is draining them both. To the point that both of their wards crumble. The last and most guarded of secrets, the one they both have done their utmost to bury, from themself, from the other, fills up their minds.  
_"Don't"_  
_"Stop"_  
_"Please"_  
_"I do not want to do this"_  
_"This isn't how I want this to end"  
_ _”This isn't how I want us to end.”_

They both retract their light sabers. Without the imminent threat of death it's almost a loving embrace. For a heartbeat no one moves, and then it passes and they shove the other away.

Standing, just out of reach, they both pant, trying to calm down, to will their breath to even out.

Once in some semblance of calm, Rey, as always, is the one to take the first step, to cross the threshold to showing weakness.  
"Each time our minds touch, the echoing loneliness I feel in you..." Ray starts quietly, looking down at her feet.  
"I'm not lonely" Kylo interrupts, defiance heavy in his voice.  
"Like hell you aren't!" Rey throws back at him. "You're so consumed with your loneliness it's like that's all that you are, a deep pit of longing, of despair! Crushing, incinerating, fucking loneliness!"  
Kylo can feel the anger radiate from her small frame, making her seem larger, like she's grown ten feet in front of his very eyes. There's a fire in her eyes he knows from when they've fought, a passionate rage, worthy of the dark side. Still she does not act on it, with all the control of the light.

"Don't you think I _know_ that loneliness? Don't you know it's the same loneliness I've felt my _entire fucking life?_ Right up till the point where our fingers touched and I finally felt _at home??_ " Rey is screaming in his face, the heat she's emitting both frightening and mesmerizing.  
He starts to retort, he want's to tell her that if she's so alone amongst her rebel friends she should have joined him, but she doesn't let him.  
She slams into him with a speed that catches him so totally off guard that all he can do is react with instinct. Catch her and capture her in his arms.  
Her entire being is melded to his body, one of her legs lifted to hook itself behind his, for leverage, to secure him to her. Her lips crushing his, the end of her lightsaber digging into his neck as she's pressing his face down toward hers. His nose hurts from being smashed against her cheek, his lips break and bleeds from being bitten, sucked and devoured by Rey. He tries to keep up with her, to match her ferocity with a desire so deeply hidden within him he fears it will break his body as it breaks the wards he's built for it.

Rey had thought she had truly felt him, the presence and essence of him, all those nights spent sleeping next to each other. She thought she knew what touching him meant, what feeling his skin against her's meant.  
She didn't. This is something else entirely.  
She lets go of her saber, letting it fall to the floor unceremoniously, to have yet another hand to touch him with. The skin of his face wet from blood, sweat and tears, her hands glides easily over it. It feels like warm and supple satin. His hair so thick she can barely run her hands through it, coarse from being drenched in sweat. His lips dragging across her chin, her neck, her cheekbones, makes the skin raise up. The heat of his breath that follows not in the least bit comforting, only heightening the sensation, making her want for him borderline unbearable. Every hair on her body is standing on end. He is more solid and real than anything she has ever felt.

The bond is fully open, neither one of them having the capacity to keep any rooms shut, any wards up. It's like all the floodgates have opened, there's not a single part of either one of their being that is not laid bare for the other, or even themselves. Neither one of them feeling any point in trying to hide what is suddenly so obvious. That they want one another, that they need each other.  
That they belong together.

They are still clinging to each other, but no longer kissing. Just foreheads resting against foreheads and open mouths breathing into each other. The light inside Rey has blinded her with it's brilliance, it has erased all else around her. Filled her with tranquility and serenity. Bright enough to scorch all else.  
She welcomes it.

The darkness in and around Kylo is filling him with passion and rage, the all-powerful fire burning all that he is, consuming him. He finally lets it. Free of the restraints, free of all the qualms. He accepts it completely.

The darkness that is the part of the force that Kylo lives in, surrounds himself with, mingles with Rey's blinding light. They can feel the different sides of the force, within them, around them. Without anything keeping them out, with the openness so total, they can finally see all of the light and all of the dark.  
Rey accepts the dark side, the flawed hate and the righteous anger.  
Kylo feels the light side, its compassion and calm. He understands the meaning, the validity of it. Just like Rey can see the point and the power of the dark side. They invite the other in. They invite it all in. It blends, it melts together. The force around them grows, doubles in strength and intensity. A brilliant darkness and a incapacitating light. No longer opposites, but juxtaposed. A balance.

They feel it snapping into place at the same time, a union between Rey, Ben, Kylo Ren and the Force itself. They finally see all, how they, free from the restraints invented by the jedi and sith alike, can access and grant entry to all the force has to offer. It's a power greater than they could've ever imagined, a power so unfathomable it can never be cause for corruption. Never invite to restraints and confinement.

Two black pair of eyes, impossibly wide, taking in all that is. Not only what the eyes can see and what their bodies can feel, but what the force can reach, what they can see with their minds. They are one, they are both. They truly feel as one with the force, and as one with the other. They feel complete and at home and at peace.

”Please don't make me leave you again” Rey pants with hoarse voice, her breath hot and moist against his skin.

”I won't” he answers simply. Knowing what he now knows, of her, of him, of their feelings for each other and how he could feel this serenity for the rest of his life, he knows he will follow her wherever she may lead.

”Then this time, will you come with me? Call off the strike, save the resistance and leave here with me?” her hands are gripping his face in tight, clawlike desperation.

”Of course I'll come with you, Rey, I'll leave this place, but I can't call off the strike. The decision never was mine to begin with. I haven't been a part of drawing the plan up, that was all Hux. I have no say in this.” 

”Then how come you could show me the plans? And furthermore, why make me believe they were yours?” Rey asks, confused and maybe just a little distrusting.

”I guess some part of me wanted you to come to me, to try again. And I knew you would if you thought you could persuade me to stop it all.” It's hard for Kylo to admit to this, that he wanted to have her near him, wanted to save her from the attack. Making sure she'd survive. But on the other hand, she now knows the extent of his feelings for her. And he knows of hers.

”How much time do we have, before the attack?” she asks him, not teasing him for his weak and compassion-filled heart. Why had he been scared she would? She's not that kind of person. He is finally starting to see how true that really is.

”Not long, not enough time to plan a counter attack. And in any case, we don't have the means to engage in any sort of defensive action.” He actually feels sad to have to tell her this, to dissapoint her. To tell her something that undoubtedly will bring her pain. Still she doesn't look upset or saddened by this. Her eyes are once again filled with fire and resolve. And trust, in him.

”I have an idea...” she says with furrowed brow, concentration and calculation on her face, his hands grasped in hers. Dragging him down to the floor with her, they seat themselves in lotus position, face to face, holding hands.

In unified meditation the reach of their combined force seem endless. They have no problem reaching in to the minds of the commanders on deck of the Star Destroyers advancing on the rebel base, suggesting they abort mission and return to their base.  
To feed the idea of rising in rebellion in the TIE pilots, waking the want of breaking free of the First Orders enslavement and simply just leave in the TIE fighters they're currently in.

It doesn't take long, and once they are sure that the attack won't be happening, they leave in an escape pod. Rey searches Leia out, communicating to her what has just transpired. That they are all safe from the First Order, that there won't be an attack (at least not today). That she is bringing Ben with her, back to the base. Leia's feelings on this last piece of information is clouded, unclear. Ben doesn't ask her what's happening and she's thankful for it. She wouldn't know how to answer him, after all. 

\------ 

With Leia's guiding help they land away from the main hangar, in a secluded spot. Her and Chewbacca the only ones there, making up a small and reluctant welcoming committee.

They walk in silence back to the base, Rey mindful of not listening to any of their minds, in case they are having some sort of quiet conversation. She hope they are, otherwise this is a far more sinister reunion than she could ever have feared for. _Well, at least no-ones been skewered on a lightsaber. Yet._

In the command room the rest of the council members are awaiting them. They need to de-brief Kylo Ren. Learn all he has to tell them. What happened and how, why the attack was called off. If it's likely to resume any time soon. Why he's there. 

He answers all of their questions, not meeting anyones eyes, except for when he searches Rey's out, for support, guidance, strength.  
He silently ask Rey to convey the plan they came up with on their way here. On how they must proceed to keep them as safe as possible from retribution and a severe back lash.

Rey clears her throat nervously before she presents the uncomfortable truth:  
The admirals, officers and generals of the order will have to be hunted down and executed, without trial. To drag them back to put in court for judgement will make a necessity of bringing Kylo up for prosecution and Rey won't agree to that.  
They both know, as does the rest of the assembled crowd, that he deserves to die horribly for the crimes he has comitted. Her main reason as for why this would be a huge mistake is that they can't be sure of what would happen with the unlimited access to the force they now have if one of them were to cease to exist. And it would be folly to risk such a potent weapon.

 _And I don't know what would happen to me if I were to lose Ben now that I finally have him._ But that reason is for her alone. Maybe a little for him as well.

She concludes her case by saying that they can't risk it, and instead opt for assassination. And it feels reasonable even when she says it out loud.

During the time spent in the escape pod she also suggested to Ben that the two of them should be the ones to take out the remaining First Order threats. Ben adamantly refused to let her lift that idea to the council. Explaining that they can't be sure that wouldn't make her too susceptible to the allure of the dark. He also can't risk it for himself. He's certain that were he to sense darkness rising in her, he would forever be lost to it, dragging them both down in it.

She can't argue with that. 

The council must consult within their own ranks, to decide how to proceed with this new information, with this new ally they seem to have gained. Rey can tell they want to keep Ben locked up until they have come to an agreement, and she begs Leia silently to not let them. _Let me keep an eye on him. Leave me to guard him, to keep the rest of you safe from him, if that's what you deem necessary. Just please don't throw him in a cell._

In the end the general's word is law, so everyone will just have to deal with the fact that Kylo Ren won't be shackled and thrown down a deep hole, but rather left under Rey's supervision. But they are taken to Leia's private quarters accompanied by armed guards. That will be left stationed outside the locked doors. 

Once they are alone, Rey reaches for Ben's hands. Finally being able to give him all the reassurance she has felt forced to hold back when surrounded by so many people she don't want to share her feelings for Ben with. Not yet, at least.  
”Thank you” she says with emphasis. Searching his eyes for regret but finding only tiredness. ”Let's rest for a while” she suggests, and he doesn't answer but goes in search of a bedroom, his hand still in hers.

They don't undress, both too tired and a little embarrassed. It's weird, them having seen the innermost parts of the other, and still feel wary of undressing in front of the other.  
They tumble into bed, arms wrapped around each other, and immediately fall in to a deep and dreamless sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

Even though this particular attack has, seemingly, been blown off, the Resistance council deems it necessary to leave anyway.  
This constitutes a problem. They don't particularly wish to take Kylo Ren with them in the move, but Rey is adamant. Where he goes, so does she. Their only option would be to leave both Rey and Ben behind, but the coouncil don't like the idea of giving up their one link to the First Orders plans.  
So they must concede.

Rey would like to help with all the work that goes into moving an operation as large as the resistance, but Leia tells her it would be best if she kept Ben company, as he needs to be kept out of the way.  
Suggesting he trade in his black outfit for something a little less ominous and more in line with what everyone else on the base is wearing, went about as well as could be expected. And having the tall, imposing and, to be honest, quite frightening black-clad Kylo Ren roam the grounds would not be good for morale. 

When the time comes for the ships to take off, Ben goes on the Falcon with Rey, Chebacca, Finn, Rose and about a dozen others. Ben stays in the cockpit the entire journey, Rey bringing him food to eat so he won't have to be around the others, and so that they won't need to be around him. When he needs the bathroom he waits till as many as possible are asleep. The rest of the time he seems to grow increasingly fond of the porgs who have taken up residence in Chewbaccas cockpit. Whereas he couldn't stand them in the beginning of the week, he now lets them sleep in his lap and pull at his hair. Both Rey and Chewie sneak peaks at him when they're sure both he and the porgs are fast asleep, then they grin at each other. 

\------

The new base head quarters is larger than the last, but still mostly under ground.  
Not everyone gets private rooms, but Rey does. And Kylo kind of have to. Still the general and her advisors are loath to put him in a room close to the rest of the rebels, and while Leia feels he could easily have the room next to hers, the rest of the council members feels this would be unwise.  
In the end they decide, much to Rey's dismay, to house Ben in a run-down wing deemed 'not up to standards' for anyone to be living in. Anyone than a defector of the First Order, that is. He keeps insisting that it's fine, that Rey shouldn't argue about this, that the fact that they haven't executed him is miracle enough. 

”But I hate the idea of you being so far away, Ben” she tells him while holding his huge and hardened hands in her strong and slim ones. 

”It could be a lot worse” he reminds her. ”And we can still spend the nights together, through the bond.”  
She doesn't feel daring enough to bring up the fact that she longs to touch his skin, feel his real and palpable body against hers. To spend each and every night with him, not just through the bond. He probably knows this anyway.

\------

The days go by. The new base needs a lot of attention, things to fix and patch up and look over. As Ben's neither welcome nor inclined to walk around the base on his own, Rey takes him with her. Together they work on areas a bit further from the commotion of the main base. 

Finn and Poe are having a hard time with this new relationship between Rey and Kylo. He has tortured and tried to murder three quarters of their little family, after all. She tries to placate them by saying it's all for the greater good, as long as he's with them, he's not fighting against them. And she's the only one who has a chance fighting him should it come to that, so she's the only one that can look after him, really. And also, all the force powers! They wouldn't want her to risk losing those, would they?  
Finn grumbles about that, and can't keep from muttering ”fucking Kylo Ren” under his breath whenever he sees him. Poe is not as verbal about it, but he keeps standing a little bit too close to Rey when Ben is present. Like he's trying to shield her from him. Rose, who's the quarter of them that hasn't been on the receiving end of Kylo's abysmal temper and interrogation techniques, is more pragmatic. She can see Rey is clearly doing a lot better nowadays, and if that is in any way related to Ben's presence, then she won't say anything against him being there.

\------

They haven't had the chance to sleep together since that first night back, in Leia's room. Rey don't feel brave enough to let him sleep in her room (and she probably wouldn't be allowed to bring him there anyway), as this would equal telling everyone in general and her friends in particular, about the true nature of their relationship.  
She wants to ease them into it, little by little. Not risk Finn having a heart attack and Poe getting himself killed when trying to murder Ben in his sleep. 

Even though they did kiss after their clash on his star destroyer, it's almost like that didn't count. It was about something else then, about proving a point more than about them wanting it too much to be able to hold back. That's why there's still all this tension between them, Rey guesses. That's why they can't talk to each other without having their gaze being drawn in by the movements of the others lips. Why they're having a hard time to not touch each other, to not let their hands seek the others out. Why they both have to try to repress tiny little smiles that threatens to sneak up on them at the most inappropriate of times.

Their repair work suffers for this, as everything takes more than twice the time it could have. Handing tools over and lingering with their fingers when they touch, finding themselves disturbingly close to one another when trying to get a closer look at something in need of their ministrations, and unable to remember what they're supposed to be doing.  
They manage to restrain themselves for four whole days, before the tension gets the better of them. It's not even during one of those times, where they drown in each others eyes or find themselves pressed up against one another.  
They have just arrived in a new room that could be used as a lecture hall, and are scheduled to check all the wiring and if there's any water leaks. Rey walks in first and when she turns around to gauge the room she just can't see the point in holding back. She lets the toolbox fall to the ground and walks up in his space in two long strides and flings her arms around his neck. He lets go of what's in his hands to pick Rey up in his arms, literally lifting her off the ground to better be able to kiss her, without the difference in their heights giving them any difficulties.  
When they finally break free of each other they are both flushed and short of breath, but they can't stop smiling, either of them.  
They continue their work, but from now on they give themselves permission to fall for the temptation when it arises, and make out like the two newly and madly in love kids that they actually are. 

So working together during the days is all good. Come feedingtime Ben more often than not choose to stay behind. It has happened, on a few occasions, that Rey has managed to talk Ben into coming with her to the mess hall. Those times they sit alone at a table for eight. And Ben feels bad for creating a divide between Rey and her friends. And he feels bad for himself, that Rey still haven't told her friends about them. Of how deep their connection is, how intertwined their lives have become. How utterly they depend on each other. So he tries his best to avoid putting either of them in that situation. It just hurts them both, after all.  
Rey would like to ask her friends to look past the whole Kylo-thing and just come sit with them, but then she remembers how Ben almost killed Finn in the snow at Starkiller Base, how he tortured Poe. And she rethinks the whole thing. She can't really ask her friends to forget something like that. Just because she has doesn't mean they have to.

The evenings, when they have time off from their respective work, Rey sometimes spends with her friends and sometimes with Ben. With her friends it's playing games, racing in old ships and pods left behind when the base was abandoned. Fixing up said pods to some semblance of working condition. With Ben it's lightsaber sparring, meditation and a lot of making out. But each night they part, to sleep alone in their separate rooms in separate wings of the base.

Rey grows tired of this in just a little over two standard weeks. Tired of them not getting to spend every part of every day touching each other. She's been tossing and turning in her bed, not being able to fall asleep, her skin feeling as if on fire. Through the bond she reaches out for Ben, finds him awake as well. In a similar state as she.  
”I'm coming over you okay with that?” she asks him in a strained and hurried stream of words. Of course he is. 

”Yes. Please” he whispers, almost breathlessly.

She throws her clothes on and sneaks out, avoiding the few guards on duty around the base.  
He stands in his open doorway, waiting for her. Backing in to his room to not have to stop looking at her. She closes the door behind her.


	9. Chapter 9

Ben's been reading, a lot it seems. The floor is littered with books. He must have had an even harder time getting to sleep than she's had. The light in the room burns low, the only source of light being from candles and oil lamps. Though the heat and ventilation seems to work just fine, he hasn't been able to find any light bulbs to fit the outdated lamps. The naked flames gives his face a golden sheen and his eyes a glisten that's making him even more beautiful.  
Rey's hands reach up to Ben's face, gentle palms touching his cheeks, fingers brushing his temples. Her eyes are burning holes in his skull, her gaze clawing itself inside of him. He can't do anything other than place his hands on her face, giving her entry, and at the same time stepping inside her.  
They draw their faces in, closing the distance. With noses gliding against foreheads, cheeks, temples, chins and noses, parted lips gently following and touching all, they finally find their lips hovering over lips, close but not quite touching. The air between them is so charged with electricity they could easily fool themselves into thinking they've already breached the distance, but the tension that still crackles tells the truth. They breathe each other in, making advances, trying to close the gap, but it's a dance; as one advances the other retreats, neither quite willing to take the final step. This moment is so perfectly everything, it's without consequence and responsibility. Once they've crossed that final threshold, they know they can never go back and the galaxy will forever have changed.

Their dance keep picking up pace, the advances and the retreats rapidly melting together to an unbroken stream and there's no longer any pause, no possibility of holding back. The inevitability of the situation exploding into existence, they meld their lips together. It's tongues and it's teeth, it's lips and it's nibs. It's biting, sucking, licking and kissing. So much kissing. An eternity of kisses. And this time there is no reason for stopping.

They stroke garment after garment off of each other, it doesn't take long before they stand in only their underwear. Tripping over books they stumble towards the bed, neither one of them willing to let go of the other, even for a second. Rey feels the bedside against her calfs and falls backwards, pulling Ben down on top of her. His black hair falling down, enveloping her face, blocking all else out. It's like one of their force bond sessions, where all she can see is him, but infinitely better. The physical presence of him, the weight of his body pushing her down in the mattress, the places where their skin touch gives her life. She has never wanted anything as much as she wants him in this moment. She brings him inside her head so he can feel the insatiable lust she has for him, and he shows her something similar. They quickly and ungracefully discard of the last piece of cloth between them, the underwear.

”You sure?” she asks him in a gasp, knowing that this must change him, take him further from the dark side and his old life. Through the bond he shows her how this, though he'd thought it impossible, makes him want it even more. The fact that she doesn't want to take anything away from him that he's not ready to give up. No one has ever shown him that kind of consideration.

”More sure than I've ever been. I want you, to feel you, to be inside of you, to have you enfold me...” Each word he underlines with moist, full lips pressed somewhere on her face, her clavicles, her breasts, her neck. The sound of his voice, the words he's saying, the sensations he's stirring in her, makes her wrap her strong legs around his body, forcing him closer, closer, closer still. His erection pressed against her wetness, breaching the final barrier between them. As he slowly pushes himself inside of her, she truly feels as if they are one.  
He is remarkably big, like she had hoped and suspected he would be. Too big to make it tractable for them, but she's so wet and aroused that he still penetrates her easily enough, albeit slowly. They both still for a second for each new fraction of her opening up to him. To revel in the moment they have longed for for such a long time, and to give her time to adjust. But neither one of them can stop their bodies from trembling. 

They start out making love but that soon gives way for something more like fucking. Ben's room being so far away from the rest of the residents lends them both the freedom to be as loud as they need be. And with all that pent up sexual tension they've been harbouring, that's a really good thing.  
Them having waited for this for so long also makes it evident that neither one of them will last very long. Rey can tell Ben is doing his utmost to wait for her, to not come before she does.  
'He's such a gentleman' she finds herself thinking but the next second he fists her hair in his large hand, turns her head forcibly to the side so he can whisper in her ear.  
”I want you to come for me, Rey. Now Rey.” and then he sticks his tongue down her ear and follows that up with biting her earlobe and who's she to disobey him?  
She comes, quite violently, her nails buried in Ben's back and shoulders, desperately trying to give her a sense of anchoring.  
He bites down on her neck a bit too hard for comfort as he comes undone right after her.

Then he sort of collapses on top of her. She doesn't mind at first, but when it becomes harder to draw breath she shoves at him, making him move to lie down next to her.  
There they lie, covered in sweat, winded and shaking, and wait for the reality as they perceive it to change.  
It soon becomes apparent that it won't, maybe them coming together like this wasn't the huge deal they had envisioned? Well, not to the galaxy that is. To them it was everything.

\------

They find a new routine. One where they spend the nights in Ben's room, having more sex than they thought they would ever have the stamina for and Rey sneaking back to her room early every morning. The work they can do far away from everyone else is dwindling rapidly, until one day there's nothing left to do. They have to seek the General out.  
Of course Leia's noticed the change in them. If she was sure Ben was back with the light before, she now knows he'll never leave it, that he's more than happy and content to spend his life in it. With Rey. Without giving too much of the true relationship between her son and ”still not the last jedi” up, she lets her council members know that she trusts Ben Solo unconditionally, and so must they.

Even though Ben has more than enjoyed the time spent with Rey, doing 'technical stuff', as he refers to it, he couldn't be more pleased with once again making strategies, arguing about attack techniques, planning for war. And if not full-out war so at least military raids and assaults.

And Rey is really glad to be back with her friends, working alongside them just like before. Not spending every second with Ben isn't as bad as she had feared, it's actually pretty nice to be able to focus on something and think straight again.

If her friends find her boring for taking off to bed earlier and earlier each night, ( _”to meditate!”_ she assures them) they don't complain about it (much).  
Poe tells her one evening, ”I would oppose to you not hanging with us as much nowadays, if I couldn't see how agreeably all this meditation is affecting you. You have a glow about you, you look... radiant.” He stands a little too close, and he has a finger twirled around a strand of her hair. It's making her feel uncomfortable. Since she's not really sleeping all through the night she should probably look more tired, not less. She hates lying to her friends, mostly because she's really bad at it. 

”Yeah, well” she grasps for something to say but is rescued by the arrival of Finn and Rose. Poe moves slowly away from her, making Finn look a little bit smug and Rose confused and apprehensive.

She doesn't plan on retelling this incident to Ben, knowing that he really wishes she would just tell her family, to be open about them and how they both feel. The only thing stopping her is her nerves. But as she can't stop feeling bad about the 'lying to your friends'-part enough to keep him from feeling it, she caves when he asks her about it.

He looks at her with an incredulous face, and when she stops talking he asks her,  
”You know I can see that whole conversation in your mind, right?”

”Yes? And also, I just told it to you?” she answers, not sure why he's looking at her like that, like she's said something funny. The amused look gives way to a fond softness, as he takes a step closer to her, cupping her face in a hand almost as big as her head.

”You are so innocent, I keep forgetting” he says as he leans down to plant a chaste kiss on her cheek. She blushes at being called innocent, she sure hasn't felt innocent for quite a while now. ”You really don't realize that Poe is flirting with you?”.

She balks at that, looking up at him with a scrunched up face. ”What? No way! He's my brother!” but as she says it things start to form a pattern. Him standing a little too close, him always seeming to find reasons to casually touch her. And also why he sometimes makes her feel uncomfortable. She should have noticed it. ”Ooooh for fucks sake...”

Ben laughs at her, tilting her chin up to be able to kiss her properly on the mouth. ”I'm gonna chalk that up to you being too head-over-heels for me to be able to notice anything, or anyone for that matter, else”.  
He glows, he looks radiant. She understands why Poe told her that. But she can also tell it's the very obvious look of someone in love.

She starts to undress him, swatting his hands away when he tries to do the same to her. She walks around him to his back, to better be able to tear the jacket off of him. When she comes back to his front, she lifts his shirt up, making sure her nails rasps along his back and abdomen as she pulls it off him. ”So you think me innocent, do you Ben?” she asks him in a light but dangerous tone, her fingers hooking themselves inside the lining of his pants.

She hears him swallow and taking in a hasty breath before answering, ”Not right now, I don't”.

She gives him a onesided smile with smoldering eyes, as she sinks down to her knees, forcefully dragging his trousers down with her. She leaves them in a pool around his ankles, dragging her hands and nails roughly up his legs, up his thighs. She reaches around to squeeze his firm behind, at the same time making sure her hot and wet breath is coming out over his increasingly hard erection. She smiles up at him as she licks slowly up the shaft, letting the tongue swirl around the swollen head. He starts to move his hands towards her head, but she tells him ”Nuh-uh. Keep your hands to yourself, and _don't move_ ” with a slow and teasing voice.  
Above her he growls, making her smile wide, before taking him in her mouth. His annoyed growl quickly becomes a moan. He is positively huge. She has a hand wrapped around the base of his cock, but still she can't get enough of him inside of her mouth for the lips to come into contact with her hand. He doesn't seem to mind though. But his size does constitute a problem for her, as she can't quite keep her teeth out of the way. Occasionally her teeth scratches against him, making her afraid of causing him discomfort. She realizes how stupid she is for thinking that as she can feel him twitch under her hands, in her mouth, in her control. As she hears him gasping as he tells her ”Oh for the love of, that's perfect, I love that, oh gods please”.  
Looking up at him she can see him gripping at his own hair, pulling at it, his face contorted in overwhelming sensation. She can tell he's doing his utmost to keep from rocking into her mouth, to keep still like she told him to. Her panties are getting too wet for comfort and her whole abdomen is so tight and tense, she can't wait for him to be inside of her any longer. She releases him from her mouth and pushes him gently towards the bed.  
”Sit” she orders him, and he does, stepping out of the pants constricting his movements.

He sits at the edge of the bed, watching her as she gets up and starts taking her clothes off at the same time. Grace and slowness isn't really what either one of them is about. It's more determined purpose and unwillingness to wait for even a second longer than necessary. Once naked she straddles him, standing over him on her knees, him sitting down underneath her and having to look up at her, for once. His hands gripping her hips like a merciless vice. His lower lip trembling slightly, she licks across it, then sticks her tongue inside his mouth to kiss him hard, deep, desperate. With one hand in his soft curls and one around his cock, she lowers herself down, guiding him inside of her. Even in this extremely aroused state she's in, her wetness almost dripping from her, he's still on the brink of being uncomfortably big.  
Him probably having heard this from others, always makes such an effort to take it slow, to hold back. He does so now, his hands on her hips forcing her to slow down, to keep her from going too fast.  
”Don't. Let go of me” she pants at him, her hands on his wrists, her need to have him inside of her making the patience he exhibits more than annoying.  
He does, and they retain eye contact for a second longer, but then she pushes herself down, hard, taking him in entirely without any pause. They both cry out, overwhelmed. It takes him a few moments to recover, but as soon as he's articulate he asks if she's alright. Her well-being always his main concern.

”Gods yes. To feel you like this, so hard, so big, tearing me open. I can't think of anything I'd ever want more.” She radiates content, arousal, love and need, and it makes him put his arms around her, his hands on her shoulders, and push her down on him, as he pushes up.  
They both cry out, louder this time, and from there on out they only get louder.  
Minutes later, when his body is covering hers, them moving together furiously, her nails digging into his shoulders and ass as he pounds her deep down into the mattress, they both reach their climax, one after the other. As Ben's orgasm rips through him, he slams his fist in, and through, the wall above his headboard. Once Rey regains some semblance of cognizance (and after that, once her laughter has subsided), she helps him get his stuck hand out of the wall.  
”Dear gods, how I love you” she manages to get out through her bursts of laughter. 

It's weird. They know every last inch of the other's insides, they have heard every thought, shared every feeling. Of course they both know that they love each other. But Rey realizes this is the first time she has said so, out loud, when she feels the unrestrained joy and possessiveness coming off of Ben through the bond, like an explosion.  
They're both on their knees in the bed, him with bleeding knuckles and her with his blood on her hands. The smile spreading over his face seems to erase the last ten, fifteen years of his life. He gathers her up in a bonecrunchingly tight hug and buries his face against her collarbones. She can barely make out him saying it, as it becomes muffled against her body, but she still understands how it made him react like he did, hearing it out loud.  
”I love you too, Rey”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's actually that! Thank you for reading this all the way through to the end. If you liked it, please let me know.  
> And also, there's an epilogue. If you think this was way too sappy you might not like it, but I had this idea of using that force-drag thing the dark siders seem to be so fond of. But without it ending in torture and neck-snapping.  
> It's short, so at least it'll be over quick!


	10. Epilogue

They don't often run into each other during the days, spending them doing very different things. That means that the only time Finn, Poe and Rose really sees her reacting to Ben's presence is on those few occasions he accompanies Leia, Chewie and the officers and generals presently at the base, to eat with them. And even then he's usually seated far away from Rey.

And it's just after lunch on one of those occasions that he feels something weird, new, in the bond between himself and Rey. She has been sitting with her friends at a table at the far end of the room. They have had a hard time keeping their eyes off of each other all throughout the meal, both of them still deep in the memory of last night.  
It's like every night they spend together, every time they have sex, it's a new revelation. As they get to know the other's body and what they respond to, the sex evolves, becomes more intense. Last night they created some sort of force-burst, it lifted them off the bed and froze them in the moment of ecstasy, surrounded by a vibrating ball of pure light.  
It had been awe-inspiring and afterwards they had just lain in the bed, unable to stop laughing.

”Rey!”, Finn's voice abruptly shaking her from the memory, to notice they are all standing up, waiting for her to get up and join them.

She gets up while keeping her head down, feeling her cheeks grow red, and wishes to just hurry out from the hall to get away from Ben and the, quite embarrassing, effect he has on her. Unfortunately they are cut off by a group of people passing in front of them, and they are left just standing there, the four of them. A weird, tense feeling in the air.  
Rey can't stop herself from looking over at Ben again, as she can hear him through the bond. Teasing her with imagery, her eyes are uncontrollably drawn towards him. She immediately loses herself in memories of last night, yet again, him sending her mental pictures of how she looked to him, her doing the same in reverse.

Finn has to physically shove her to get her attention. He sounds both worried and incredulous as he asks her why she keeps looking at Kylo like that, and ”What's that weird thing he's doing with his face?”

"He's smiling, you dummie!" Rose tells him, the amusement very apparent in her voice. "Can't you guess as to why?" she's still not saying anything outright, maybe because she wants to give Rey the opportunity to do so herself?

So Rey takes a steadying breath before she let's the truth spill out of her, in a rapid stream. As if she's scared she'll lose her nerve halfway through if she doesn't get it all out at once.

"He completes me” she starts simply enough. ”Without him I was half a person and from the day I met him I have felt myself gravitating towards him and now I'm so in love I can't seem to function properly."

Rose smiles, unsurprised. Finn looks like she's forcefed him living porglets and Poe looks bewildered, like he isn't sure of whom they're talking about.

But across the room Ben stands as he hears her. Hears her telling her friends about the true nature of their relationship. Hears her being open and honest to her family about her love for him. And of course he can't help it, she's right, they ARE gravitating towards each other. Without reflecting on it he stretches his whole arm out, hand reaching towards her, and with the force he drags her across the room, right into his arms. She looks taken by surprise but not upset.

"I'm guessing you heard me?" She asks him quietly.  
"I felt you, felt the turmoil in me still. Felt all the hesitation in you dissolve. It felt like coming home" he confesses in a low voice, making sure that the hundreds of eyes now upon them won't hear what he want's her alone to hear.

Once again she can't think of a reason to stop herself, so she doesn't. Instead she reaches her hands up and runs them through his hair, getting a fast grip and force his head down to give him one of those open mouthed 'not quite but almost'-kisses they both feel are special to them. But Ben doesn't have the capacity to show restraint right now (obviously) so he takes no heed of her aspirations for tact and instead just dives in, head first. Deep down into kissing her, hard and rough and thoroughly.

The silence in the mess hall is deafening; like everyone collectively holding their breath. Then they are brought back to reality by a loud roar from Chewie. Leia and some of the other officers laugh heartily, but few others understand Chewbacca. Still, the tension has been broken and people starts to move once again.

The two of them stand still though, Ben's eyes never breaking contact.  
"Thank you" he whispers.  
”For what? Go on, say it” she mimics him, one part teasing, one part in need of hearing him say it.

”For helping me, just like you said you would.”


End file.
